Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered

Since the 1950s, when short but fast players had a chance of making it onto a professional court – such as the legendary Bob Cousy of the Boston Celtics, known for startling innovations like dribbling and passing behind the back – the sport has been dominated by ever taller athletes, starting with the arrival of Wilt, The Stilt, Chamberlain.

Now, The National Basketball Association has come to realize that the trend to tall has demoralized people of who fall within the usual range of human height and that it has positively devastated short people.

Compared to the slam-dunking ways of the seven footers, these distressed athletes just can’t get people interested in watching them hoop it up. As a result, interest in the game as a participation sport has waned, and the association is concerned that, as fewer people work up their excitement about playing it, fewer of them will pay to see it.

Baby Boomers Moderate Exercise; Notice Scarcity of Seniors In Marathons

Baby boomers, who exercise more than any generation before them, have been flocking to orthopedic surgeons to tend to their aching tendons and joints.

As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines.

Personal experience has also confirmed the wisdom of moderation. For example, one inveterate marathoner was shocked by the surprising perception that there were not a lot of senior citizens dashing across the finish line in the New York Marathon.

He began to wonder if at a certain age less strenuous activity might actually be, not only the better part of healthcare, but all that’s generally possible. He also began to ask himself if seniors who persisted in intense physical challenges like the marathon were absent at or near the finish line because they literally dropped by the wayside. He dismissed that possibility, because it really brought into question his hope for up-to-the-last-minute youth.

Avant Garde Composer Creates New Piece, Called Making Popcorn

An American avant garde composer, who takes his inspiration from the most upstart composers of recent times, had a piece performed last night at Carnegie Hall, titled “Making Popcorn.”

The Boston Pops Orchestra, which commissioned the piece, left the stage to make way for the performance.

Stagehands then wheeled out a popcorn-making machine and prepared it for the performance by filling it with dry corn, butter, and salt.

When the machine was “tuned,” the composer entered to conduct his own work. Taking the podium, he raised his baton and the machine was switched on. When the first kernel popped, he gave a firm downbeat and then continued to conduct as the kernels popped away. The piece concluded when all the popcorn had contributed its sound.

Audit Report on Katrina Debit Cards; Some Recipients Swam In Champagne

A federal audit on the spending proclivities of people who were issued debit cards by FEMA during the Katrina disaster indicates that some of them were swimming in champagne – and good stuff, too.

Among the survival rations that were purchased, we find a $200 bottle of champagne, used as a life-saving device at the hurricane shelter known as Hooters. The establishment, upon hearing of the purchase, has nobly agreed to refund the amount to FEMA.

Other items that emergency cards were used to purchase are the following:

A flotation device of questionable effect, called diamond jewelry.

An escape route from the rising waters to a vacation in the Dominican Republic.

Salvation from a divorce lawyer by paying off a $1,000 legal bill.

Drying out at a strip club, where the recuperative process required $600.

Recuperation with $400 of “adult erotica products.”

April Fool’s trick

One of the best and funniest April Fool’s tricks was invented and played by me last year. I should say that my friend and me used to make fun of each other regularly on April Fool’s Day with varying success. That is my friend was on his guard and knew he should be ready for my dirty tricks, which made the task almost impossible to carry out.

Last year not long before April Fool’s Day Andrey returned from Canada, where he’d been on a business trip (both of us work as translators of English for one company but on different floors). On April  1st I called Andrey, having arranged beforehand that the telephone girl should interrupt our conversation in a couple of minutes and say that Mr. Andrey Polyarov has a call from Canada. After that she put him through with another telephone in our room, and I quickly answered it. I should say that to change my voice and create the effect of “long-distance call” I wrapped the blower with a sweater and made use of loud speaker instead of receiver. A lot of people were standing still around me, excited that Andrey might recognize my voice. But their fears were groundless – he had no smallest piece of suspicion!

Apple Sued Over Logo By Apple Farmer

Apple Computer, having recently won a suit brought by Apple Rrecords, the company founded by the Beatles, was surprised to find itself immediately dragged back into court to face a challenge by an incensed New York apple farmer.

“What do these boys mean,” the farmer went on, “claiming they own a picture of an apple with a bite out of it?” Gesturing to his acres of apple blossoms, he continued, “My father started this here apple orchard over a hundred years ago, and we’ve had a picture of an apple with a bite out of it on the side of our roadside farm stand for nigh onto seventy-five years. As far as I’m concerned, these Silicon Valley slickers have infringed on my copyright and on the rights of apple growers everywhere.”

Apple CEO Steve Jobs responded, “I hope we can put this suit behind us, because we’ve always loved apple farmers. In all honesty, I admit we didn’t invent an apple with a bite taken out of it. It’s one of our least original ideas. That’s why we always have to defend it. If I had it to do over again, I would have picked a more unusual fruit, like a Kiwi or maybe a Start fruit.”

The farmer was not pacified, insisting, “When I get done with these cagy fellers, they’ll be sorry they ever set eyes on an apple.”

Ancient Mayan Mummy Proves A Tattoo Is Forever

"Curiously enough, the mummy’s bones revealed what at first appeared to be dichotomous lifestyles. She was apparently motherly, because bone evidence revealed that she had given birth to a child, but a variety hardly motherly clubs were also found buried with her. An archaeologist explained the seeming duality of tenderness and weaponry by stating, “My theory is that she went to the grave, regretting the tattoos and asked to be buried with clubs so she could ward off any evil spirits who might arrive to apply even more tattoos.”

Evidence of the extraordinary longevity of tattoos has finally been discovered, in a mummified Mayan female whose panoramic tattoos have lasted almost two thousand years.

Tattoo artists were ecstatic at the discovery, immediately citing the mummy as proof that once you’re lucky enough to have a tattoo, you can forget about upkeep.

On the other hand, those who have decorated themselves with tattoos but in later years regretted the colorful self-mutilation, were widely distressed by the discovery. As one man with a prominent tattoo on the pierced tip of his nose told us, “I suspect when I’m finally old enough to feel really stupid about this tattoo it’ll still be here., Now, I know if I want to get rid of it, I’ll have to fork over the bucks for plastic surgery.”

Another Dracula, Another Flop

This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of Mickey Mouse caper.

If Disney could do it with, for example, The Lion King, why couldn’t Warner Brothers find a property to achieve Broadway fame and fortune with? Unfortunately, their imaginations never soared higher than redoing the Dracula legend, based on a contemporary author’s odd novelistic take on it.

In order to hew to Disney’s proven path to moronic megabucks, Warner hired the same songwriting team Disney did for The Lion King, Elton John and his comparatively invisible lyricist Bernie Taupin.

Fortunately, the show was a no-go from the start. The word of mouth was devastating and the reviews turned out to make the word of mouth sound brilliant.

The question is, why would anybody, given the entire world of properties to choose from or, on a wild bet, even to create an entirely original one, choose the exhausted and irrelevant legend of Dracula?

As we of say about trying to work with an idea that doesn’t seem to have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you can’t make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, it’s bound to fall down.

An Efficient Commute

This morning, as usual, I was pressed for time. I had to be to my "9 to 5" especially early and I woke up late. Instead of rushing around more than I already had been, I thought I would take the time to finish my "getting ready for work rituals" in the car. After all, I have seen countless others in my rearview mirror and beside me in their cars do the same, so why can't I?

As I grabbed my things, I raced out to the car and started on the 32-minute commute to work. As I was brushing my teeth, I realized, I had no place to spit out the toothpaste foam that accumulated in my mouth. So, I rolled down the window and masterfully drooled down the inside of my car. Crest and saliva dripped down the inside of my car door into the power lock and window switches. At least my car has a minty fresh scent to it. I took a swig of orange juice and remembered what vomit tasted like.

America To Sue Rest Of World For Ungrateful Behavior

America, which has sacrificed the lives of its citizens and its material plentitude more selflessly than any other nation in history to come to the assistance of other countries, noted the astonishingly heated negative commentary about it emanating from virtually every corner of the globe and has decided to sue the rest of the world on the grounds of ungrateful behavior.

The President said, “You can’t just go out there and sacrifice your sons and daughters lives and expend so much of the national treasury and not get a little something back. We’ve got sorrowful families all across the land, with whose losses I deeply sympathize, and we can’t even afford to fix the potholes on federal highways. So what choice do we have? We’re taking the ungrateful foreigners to court. Justice will be served. We merit and demand some praise here.”

America: Still So Young No Americans Allowed

If sometimes, weighed down with the complexities of uneasy empire, we perchance wonder if America could be freedom’s fading star, it’s somewhat reassuring to realize that the nation is so young it still does not recognize the existence of Americans. Even the Indians don’t completely get the nod, because they’re still camped out on reservations.

We might see the persistent refusal to accept “I’m an American” as a recognized nationality, at least on the home front, as a consonant reflection of our mixed and matched heritage. But it does present us with inconveniences.

Amazing Trivia Part 1

I admit it .. I LIKE trivia, tho it serves no purpose for me since I can never remember any to bring up in conversation. But still, it is fun, so I've created this list of amazing trivia that I found to be absolutely riveting.

1. Snails can sleep up to 3 years.

 Not so amazing actually since I managed to sleep thru 6 years of jr. high and high school.  And when you think about it, what do snails have to do all their lives?  Sure, they leave great slime trails and make excellent targets for salt shakers and little boys, but other than that there’s not much more to do but sleep after an exhausting run across a sidewalk.

Al-Qaeda in Iraq Announces New Leader. Or Do They?

In the wake of the sudden death of its now fragmented leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al-Qaeda in Iraq polled its somewhat shaken members about who would like to take over Mr. Zarqawi’s job. After a determined effort, the group was able to find a terrorist who, though expressing understandable reluctance, was eventually persuaded to accept the expectedly short-lived position.

The usual amateurish Webcast was quickly arranged, and the new leader, flanked by other terrorists wearing the standard-issue black head disguises, introduced himself, with visible knee shaking, as Abu Hamza al-Muhajer.

In the co-opted, overbearingly religious language that has become the worldwide standard in terrorist-speak, the new leader of Al-Qaeda in Iraq vowed to avenge al-Zarqawi’s death and vowed that he and the other “holy warriors” will continue with what they perceive as a holy war against their own slack populace and the people Al-Qaeda refers to with moronic medieval acumen as “the crusaders.”

“Don't let the joy of killing our Sheikh Abu Musab, may God bless his soul, fool you,” he stated, “for he left behind lions."

To prove his point, at that moment, he held up an uncooked shish-kabob and took a bite out of it. Chewing on the raw lamb meat, he continued: "He raised them by himself and they trained in his den. They believe in their ideology, and they fight only for God and in God and through God."

Apparently, the group had to reach far down into its ranks to locate another willing volunteer. Unfortunately, no one on the side of the infidels had ever heard of him, even the most erudite terrorist analyst.

A few days later, his identity was determined. After the announcement, his photo-ID poster was taken to a US firing range for target practice.

No comment was forthcoming until and a couple days later, when a terrorist of even less repute made a tape, claiming he is the rightful fellow who's picture should be on the firing range.

Whoever the new leader is, if apprehended alive, he will be sent for retraining in religious ideology to an enlightened mosque, if one can be located, wherein he will learn the disconcerting logic that if, as he and his ill-informed cohorts maintain, there is only one true God, even crusaders are the children of the same God, so such a God is unlikely to welcome them into the paradise they long for as a reward for their murderous activities but will far more likely present them with a more heated welcome and destination.

AIDS epidemic in the USSR

When an adult suffers from а child disease, it is extraordinary painful. Just as it happened to me at the late Soviet time when I caught measles, was bedridden for three days with a fever heat of 40C and was going to die. But then a doctor came, diagnosed the rubeola, I was taken to a specialized hospital and alive and kicking in a couple of days. 

I will never forget those three days - an awful headache, general muzziness because of high temperature and in three days no thoughts but those of fast and desired death. In the hospital I met a man of about 50 who told me his case history. Further narration is from the first person.  

Adult Swim - You Must Be This High To Ride This Ride

1. You Must Be This High To Ride This Ride 

2. There’s No “P” In Pool 

3. Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law 

4. Aqua Teen Hunger Force 

5. Sealab 2021 

6. Brak Show 

7. English Channel Swim 

8. Bobby G. Can’t Swim 

1. You Must Be This High To Ride This Ride 

Adult Swim is a unique kind of Must-See TV found on the Cartoon Network. Catering a fast food sized gem of cartoon hilarity to a crowd that has become too jaded and aware for network fare. These viewers need something with juice and Adult Swim delivers on all accounts. 

2. There’s No “P” In Pool 

The shows in the Adult Swim line-up know about our attention deficit and don’t bore us with unnecessary drivel. For instance, Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law lasts on 15 minutes and they pack the laughs in there tighter than ***. To play in this pool, you’ll want to close your laptop and shut off the cell phone because the rapid-fire jokes and humor are slung at you a mile a minute. 

A Revised History Of Pasta

While Marco Polo, a Venetian, is generally given credit for discovering noodles in China, recent research suggests that Italian pasta in all its glorious varieties was actually discovered in Rome nearly a century earlier, and quite by accident, by a remarkably unlikely epicurean named Julius Amplonius, with the able assistance of an invading barbarian named Klunk, The Great.

The momentous event occurred one afternoon when this portly patrician was dining at a chic restaurant just off the Roman Forum. He was savoring a sip of red wine from Tuscany when a group of alarmed citizens came running by, screeching, “The barbarians are coming! The barbarians are coming!”

A Page From Betty Crocker’s Cookbook

Recently, while sitting in my chair drinking the last of my breakfast coffee, a thought staggered into my mind. I must confess most thoughts are quite lonely once they enter my mind, but this one had a nagging element to it.

Experience has taught me I should never give in to these strange trespassers. Every time I entertain any of them, I’m the one getting burnt.

This time was different. Don’t ask me how it was different, or how I knew it was different, it just was. Of course, looking back I could have been wrong.

The thought: why not surprise my wife by baking her a cake?

I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same thing when this suggested itself to me. But, the more I thought about it, the more delightfully delicious it sounded. How can anything go wrong if I am doing it for my wife?

The only question I needed to answer was what kind of cake should I bake.

After a long period of ruminating, I settled on a lemon sponge cake with peanut butter icing. This was going to be the best surprise my wife has ever received from me.

Sitting in a prominent place in the kitchen is my wife’s Betty Crocker Cookbook. I don’t know how long she has had that book, it’s been in our kitchen for as long as I can remember — which really may not be that long when I come to think of it.

I took the book, sat in my favorite chair and opened it. How do you read a cookbook? As I leafed through it, it did not have any rhyme or reason to me. In musing on the book I said to myself, how important is it to follow directions?

Placing the book back in its revered spot, I concluded that since this was my cake, I didn’t need help from anybody else, particularly Betty Crocker. This is the difference between men and women. Women need a lot of directions, while men enjoy the liberty of doing their own thing.

I knew exactly what I wanted. A lemon sponge cake, with peanut butter icing. What could be simpler?

Retrieving a large mixing bowl, I assembled all the ingredients I needed; flour, sugar, eggs, milk and baking powder. Everyone knows you cannot bake without baking powder.

I have no idea what baking powder is, except when you bake you use baking powder.

I put everything in the mixing bowl. The only thing I wasn’t quite sure of was the measure, but how hard could that be anyway? Betty Crocker mentioned a cup of this and a cup of that, but never defined what she meant by a cup.

I went to the cupboard and looked at all the cups. There were all kinds and sizes of cups and I did not know which one to use. I eyed a large coffee cup and said to myself, this will do just fine.

I dumped 6 or 8 cups of flour into the mixing bowl, I can’t remember how many. Then I cracked a dozen eggs and put that into the mixing bowl as well. Pouring a quart of milk into the mixing bowl, I whipped everything into a nice batter.

This was to be a lemon sponge cake but I could find nothing marked lemon in the cupboard. I opened the refrigerator, and as luck would have it, I found a quart of lemonade.

I poured this concoction into the largest cake pan I could find. As I was about to put it into the oven, I remembered the baking powder. How is this cake going to bake if it doesn’t have the baking powder?

Setting the cake pan down, I grabbed the baking powder and liberally sprinkled it on top of my batter. I have no idea what baking powder does but I put enough on my cake so it would do a good job.

Into the oven the cake went, and with a flick of the wrist I turned the temperature to 450 degrees. Remembering this was a big cake, I readjusted the temperature to 650.

The bigger the cake the hotter the oven, is what I always say.

Now all I needed to do was wait for my cake to bake. As I was waiting, I heard rumblings coming from the oven but just chalked that up to a good cake baking.

I guess I fell asleep, because the next thing I knew there was a strange odor permeating the air. It smelled a little smoky and then it dawned on me. My cake, it’s done.

What I pulled out of the oven did not resemble any cake I had ever seen. It looked like a burnt pancake, twice the size of the cake pan, with some kind of disease on the surface.

No amount of peanut butter icing in the world could camouflage this disaster.

It was about this time I began reassessing the idea of reading directions. Maybe instructions have a purpose after all.

I remember something the Apostle Paul said. “Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” (2 Timothy 2:15 KJV.)

To live right without getting burnt you need the right directions.

A Life Of Lorenzo Da Ponte: Talent Flies; Practical Reason Walks

Among the world’s favorite operas, we find three of them with a libretto penned by Lorenzo Da Ponte and music by none other than the astonishingly delightful Viennese ear-confectioner Mozart. The list is a delight in itself: The Marriage of Figaro, Don Giovann, and Così Fan Tutte.

We learn in the new book, The Librettist of Venice, by Rodney Bolt, that Da Ponte grew so close with the unequalled Mozart – both of whom, we learn, were not only talented but vain, insecure and ambitious – that while writing Don Giovanni, they worked in adjoining lodges and shouted to each other through their windows.

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

A Funny Joke and The Man without Humor

April fool’s day is a favorite day for some, because there are many funny jokes that can be played. But when you are working for ‘The Man’ humor can be unacceptable. The workplace has become a controversial place for funny jokes, because what is funny to one person can be considered an attack by another. Finding humor at another person’s expense can cause many stressful days at work or even many lawsuits.

Many companies hold informational meeting on not practicing office humor, because they don’t want any of there workers to be offended. However, at time companies can cross the line on what is acceptable and not acceptable. Part of the problem with telling a person that funny jokes or humor is not acceptable is that if a person can not enjoy themselves at work the workplace will become uninviting and the workers unhappy.

A Deep Look At Soap Operas

You have got to love soap operas. From the intricate plots and finely woven webs of deceit, to the depths of schemes, they were, are and always will be classics. They are timeless. I wrote this article as my take on them back in 1970 when filling white space for our high school paper. Watch a few soap operas for the next few days and see for yourself how closely they resemble the soap operas of 36 years ago...

And now for that thought provoking question that plagues men’s souls unceasingly through the bright shining of the day and through the untold dark depths of the night:

A Cialis A Day Keeps The Uncertainty Away

The maker of Cialis will apply to the FDA for approval of a once-a-day version of its ED treatment. The company maintains that a daily dose will allow the benefactor to enjoy more spontaneous delight than he can with what the manufacturer refers to as its "on demand" version.

The company maintains that side effects of the new dosage are mild and consist primarily of an inexplicable bulge in the pantaloons.

Dr. Ira D. Sharlip, professor of urology at the Univesity of California, San Francisco, stated, "For patients who are more sexually active, which generally means younger patients, whose sexual activity is more spontaneous, it will be an attractive alternative, provided the cost is not prohibitive."

Until now, men had to take Cialis and other impotence drugs thirty minutes or more before they flung themselves into the arms of their lovers. Now they’ll be ready at the drop of a belt.

Some analysts doubt that millions of men will take the drug every day, since the biggest users of the therapy generally have sex only a couple of times a week.

A Bomb For A Bomb And A Rocket For A Rocket; What Hath Terrorism Wrought But A New Code Of Hammurabi

Look far and wide, and what do we see? The most civilized nations, at least, the ones we've got at this point in our nascent human development, having made an uneasy accommodation to behavior that they would historically wretch at as downright repellent.

It’s none other than the law of Hammurabi, or tit for tat, writ in TNT.

So we arrive at the big question. What hath terrorism wrought?

These merciless scoundrels have compelled us transform our own sense of right and wrong into a workable counterpoint to their own beastly behavior. We have been compelled to consider killing them as a regrettably acceptable ethical necessity and, if a few thousand civilians happen to get in the way, what else can we do by keep the bombs and rockets flying.

18 Similarities Between Women and Computers

Before you read any further, please note that this is not a piece out to damage or cut down the important role of women in our society. Read below only as humour and nothing more. These are intended solely for a good laugh. 

Women are unique in many ways (and by this I mean different than men) and its this specific uniqueness or certain traits that I refer to when likening a woman to a personal computer. Do not get offended; it is intended to create a smile.

8 Reasons Why You Should Email Me One Dollar

Paypal has made it possible to quickly and easily send money over the Internet. This allows us to pay for all kinds of purchases with a lot less hassle. It also will allow you, everyone who reads this article, to send me, Timothy Ward, $1.00. 

Being the cynics that you are, I know you're probably asking: "Why should I send you $1.00? I barely even know you. If I hadn't somehow stumbled onto this article I wouldn't even have known that you exist. I still don't know how I came across this ridiculous article, I was trying to find my brother-in-law's blog."

Since I know that humanoids are by nature untrusting, and I know that you can spare the dollar, I will now generously provide 8 reasons why you should immediately paypal me a buck. I don't think I'll need more than 5 reasons but I like to give people their money's worth. Plus I have a word count to think about. So without further ado:

5 Reasons Why You Should Quit Your Day Job

Most of us would stop working if we could. We constantly dream about it, but that's about as far as we get-dreaming. Working a 9-5 just seems inevitable. I, Timothy Ward, however am a master at defying the inevitable. I stare 'The Inevitable' in the face and call him dirty names. I say, if you want to stop working, STOP WORKING; I'll even give you 5 reasons why you should.

1. If you stop working you'll have more time to devote to reading my articles, columns, and lists. This will enable me to become a household name down at the Unemployment and Welfare offices. My fame is a small price to pay for you living your dreams. Think about this when you see me on the 'Today Show'.

5 Big Advantages of PC Games on Demand

Not to knock PlayStation 2 or Xbox 360, but I have a decent PC.  The consoles are okay for the kids, but I am happy with a keyboard and mouse. 

I play online games to relax between work sessions on the computer.  I don't want to get up from the machine to play.  Thankfully, there are games on demand made for my PC.

Here are some of the reasons PC games on demand are going to change the way most of us play the latest video and audio intensive games:

1. Instant Gratification.  I can demo the latest games to see what appeals to me.  When I find a winner, I can purchase on the spot and download the entire game instantly.  No waits.  No trips to the mall to find the game I want - if they have it in stock.

2. New technology takes care of the install.  Some PC games can be a bear to install from a CD or DVD.  Why bother.  I downloaded a fast free player from Triton (http://www.playtriton.com), and I am using the latest streaming technology to start playing the hottest games on the net.

3 Surefire Ways To Combat Rising Gas Prices

I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices!

1. Don't Drive Your Car

This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less.

Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore 

photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer?